Am I Being Gaslit?

Guide: How to Tell Normal Relationship Differences from Gaslighting

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1. Start with the Nervous System Reality

If someone has been gaslighted before, their nervous system may react to any disagreement as:

• “I’m being invalidated.”
• “My reality is under attack.”
• “I’m losing my footing.”
• “I’m unsafe.”

This is a trauma echo, not evidence that the current person is gaslighting. The goal is not to silence the alarm — it’s to interpret it accurately.

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2. The Three Categories of Normal Relationship Differences

These happen in every healthy relationship.

A. Differences in Meaning

People use the same words but mean different things.

• “I’m fine” might mean “I’m overwhelmed” for one person and “I’m genuinely okay” for another.
• “I need space” might mean “I need 20 minutes” or “I need a day.”

Healthy marker: When clarified, the other person adjusts and tries to understand.

B. Differences in Memory

Human memory is not a recording device. It is:

• reconstructive
• influenced by emotion
• prone to distortion

Two people can remember the same event differently without anyone lying.

Healthy marker: The other person says, “I remember it differently, but I’m open to talking about it.”

C. Differences in Interpretation

People filter experiences through:

• personality
• trauma history
• communication style
• neurotype
• cultural background

Healthy marker: Both interpretations can coexist without one person insisting the other is wrong.

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3. What Gaslighting Actually Looks Like

Gaslighting is not disagreement. It is a pattern of psychological domination.

Gaslighting involves:

• Intent to control or destabilize
• Repeated denial of your reality
• Shaming you for your perceptions
• Rewriting history to make you doubt yourself
• Punishing you for remembering things “incorrectly”
• Making you feel crazy, irrational, or unstable
• Using confusion as a tool

Gaslighting sounds like:

• “That never happened. You’re imagining things.”
• “You’re too sensitive.”
• “You always twist things.”
• “You can’t trust your own memory.”
• “Everyone knows you overreact.”
• “You’re remembering it wrong — again.”

Gaslighting impact:

• You feel smaller, foggier, less confident.
• You apologize for things you didn’t do.
• You doubt your own sanity.
• You feel dependent on the gaslighter for “truth.”
• You lose trust in your own perceptions.

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4. The Distinguishing Test: Three Questions

These questions reliably separate normal conflict from gaslighting.

1. Does the person allow your perspective to exist?
   Healthy: “I see why you’d feel that way.”
   Gaslighting: “Your perspective is wrong.”
2. Does the person show curiosity when you disagree?
   Healthy: “Help me understand what you mean.”
   Gaslighting: “Stop making things up.”
3. Does the person benefit from you doubting yourself?
   Healthy: No benefit.
   Gaslighting: Their control increases when you feel confused.

If the answer to #3 is “yes,” you’re not dealing with normal relational differences.

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5. A Practical Tool: The “Meaning–Memory–Understanding” Checklist

When you feel that familiar alarm, pause and run through this:

A. Meaning

“Are we using the same words but meaning different things?”

B. Memory

“Is it possible we both remember the event differently without either of us lying?”

C. Understanding

“Is this a difference in interpretation rather than an attack on reality?”

If the answer to any of these is “yes,” it’s likely normal relational friction, not gaslighting.

If the answer to all three is “no,” then look for pattern, intent, and impact.

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6. The Nervous System Calibration Step

When you’ve been gaslighted before, your body often reacts before your mind can evaluate.

1. Name the alarm: “This feels like gaslighting because my body remembers being unsafe.”
2. Check the evidence: “What is the person actually doing right now?”
3. Check the pattern: “Is this a one-time disagreement or a repeated strategy?”
4. Check the impact: “Do I feel confused because of them, or because of my history?”

This helps separate past danger from present reality.

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7. A Simple Rule of Thumb

Gaslighting removes your reality. Healthy relationships negotiate reality.

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8. A Closing Reassurance

If someone has been gaslighted, their sensitivity is not a flaw — it’s a survival adaptation.

The goal is not to “stop overreacting,” but to refine the alarm system so it can distinguish:

• normal relational friction
• actual psychological manipulation

You’re not broken. Your radar is simply set too high because it had to be.

Therapy Lava Walk

Advocate or Social Crusader?

Some therapists seem to interpret the ethics code’s call for “advocacy” as a mandate to become social crusaders. But CAMFT is clear about where our primary responsibility lies. The Code states that marriage and family therapists “advance the welfare of families and individuals, respect the rights of those persons seeking their assistance, and make reasonable efforts to ensure that their services are used appropriately.”   

That ethical charge is specific and relational—it is about the actual clients in the room, not broad political movements or imagined constituencies. Our bandwidth is finite, and our first duty is to the people who have entrusted us with their care, not to everyone who might resemble them demographically or socially.

When we expand “advocacy” beyond its intended scope, we risk neglecting the very individuals the Code instructs us to prioritize. Ethical advocacy begins with competent, present, attuned clinical work—not with assuming a public activist role that eclipses our therapeutic responsibilities.

"What Matters?" for PhD clients

For my science friends ...  This is a therapy intervention I came up with called "What Matters?"  You create an atom for each role or roles you have in life and label the parts (and discuss of course.)  Thought you might like it.  :)

Campfire

 Campfires are always a intimate place to share personal stories with friends.  I created this intervention based on the elements of a campfire as a metaphor for depression or anxiety.  I use it in groups, but my colleagues have successfully used it with individual clients.

Before doing this, you'll need to have some shapes already cut from construction paper as well as a large black piece of construction paper for a background (I tape two pieces together.)

The pieces of the campfire are:

• Fuel - various sized rectangles in orange or brown (I prefer orange because the clients will be writing on these and it's easier to read words on orange than on brown.)
• Fire - various flames in red or yellow.  You can even mix these.
• Smoke - puffs or cloud shapes in gray or white.
• Rain - drops of water in blue.
• Water pail - a purple water pail.  This will be added by the therapist at the end.
• TEMPLATES for FIRE, WATER, SMOKE, and PAIL

Most of the processing in this activity happens as the activity progresses.  I usually begin by talking about campfires and inviting the clients to join me around the campfire as we build it together.

1. Have the clients begin with the fuel.  Ask "What fuels (e.g. triggers or brings on) your depression/anxiety?"  Any answer is good as long it's true for that person.  Have them write their ideas on rectangles and then paste them at the bottom of the page.  It's ok if they overlap and you can't read all the words.
2. Once the fuel is done, ask "What does anxiety/depression feel like inside for you?"  These will be the flames.  They will again write on and paste the flames on top of the fuel.
3. The third part is to ask "What do other people notice or what are the signs that you are depressed/anxious?"  You might also say these are smoke signals they send up for help.  These are pasted above the fire with their ideas.
4. Stop and process what it's like to look at the creation and how it feels to know others have similar experiences.  Then move on to coping skills ...
5. The rain or drops of water represent coping skills.  It's a good idea to have different sizes of water drops as some skills work better than others.  Start by asking what usually helps them and have these added to the picture.  They can be pasted directly on the fire if desired.  Usually, depending on when this activity is done during treatment, these ideas might not be very helpful or healthy.  
6. Once the group has finished with their ideas, ask if they feel it's enough to put out the fire.  This is a lead in to introducing other coping methods that will be taught by the therapist.  The therapist can then add the purple fire pail beside the campfire.  The therapist can then add some water drops to the pail with coping methods that will be taught.  Before pasting them down, find out if the clients feel they might be helpful or if they've tried them before and their experience.
7. The therapist should also ask the clients if there are people other than the therapist who can help out.  List these people on the outside of the pail.